Maltese Drivers Discover Secret to Immortality, Insurance Rates Skyrocket

The Incident on Triq l-Imdina

It was a typical sunny midweek afternoon in Malta when the streets of Triq l-Imdina were abuzz with the usual traffic kerfuffle. But on this particular day, the impossible happened. Call it a miracle or a collective hallucination; three ‘fatal’ road accidents occurred, yet not a single soul journeyed to the great beyond. Carmenu, a 75-year-old retired luzzu painter from Marsaxlokk, was the first to be declared ‘deceased’ after a fender bender, but then he stood up, dusted off his ġilda, and ordered a ħobż biż-żejt from the closest vendor, fully alive and kicking!

The Aftermath

By the end of the day, three alleged road fatalities turned into the most bewildering non-tragedies. The Maltese Insurance Association (MIA), known for their monthly tombola evenings and a fondness for rabbit stew marathons, found themselves in a proper pickle. Eh, kif? People not dying in accidents was unprecedented, and it was wreaking havoc on their risk assessment algorithms.

Inquest into Immortality

The MIA launched an investigative task force, which suspiciously resembled the last village festa’s organizing committee, to delve into the peculiar events. Headed by Spiridione, a loveable but somewhat nosy retired festa firework maker, the task force took to the historic streets of Mdina, Gozo’s azure window (or what’s left of it), and the hustle and bustle of Valletta’s St. George’s Square.

Spiridione exclaimed during his interview with a faux-pensive look, “It seems we’ve stumbled upon the secret to immortality. But between you and me, uwejja! How are we going to keep up with these premiums?”

Social Media Frenzy

The internet was abuzz as the ‘immortal’ drivers documented their new lease on life via TikTok dance routines and Facebook live streams featuring the ever-popular pastizzis, managing to make even the ricotta-filled ones look edgy. #ImmortalMaltese trended for a hot minute before being replaced by a viral video of a fenek (rabbit) eating spaghetti.

The Plot Twist

Plot twist: it wasn’t immortality at all. It was just that Maltese resilience was higher than ever. The National Culinary Society announced that their latest addition to local stews and pastizzi fillings had been ‘enriched’ with vitamins and iron supplements, turning the average Maltese stomach into an organ of unfathomable strength.

The Backlash & The Solution

Maltese health gurus protested this culinary alchemy with picket signs reading, “What’s next? Ħelwa tat-Tork in our protein shakes?” Meanwhile, the insurance moguls huddled together to brainstorm how to navigate the newly discovered Maltese invulnerability. Their ingenious solution became an instant legend: Maltese drivers were now required to undergo a ‘Gauntlet of Feasts’ where their physical fortitude would be tested against a barrage of village festas, complete with marching bands playing at decibel levels capable of resuscitating the dead.

A New Day Dawns

As the sun set on the Maltese archipelago, the MIA declared a new age of insurance packages tailored to this phenomenon of culinary fortitude. Terms like ‘Festa Coverage’ and ‘Pastizzi Premium’ became standard industry jargon. The supposedly ‘deceased’ drivers were heralded as heroes, statues were commissioned, then promptly canceled due to public outcry for more parking spaces instead.

“Our policyholders can now rest easy knowing that their survival is guaranteed at least until the next festa season,” stated an MIA spokesperson. “Mela, it is a proud day for Maltese resilience – and Maltese underwriting.”

And so, Malta marched on, a tad more immortal than before, its streets filled with the sounds of laughter, the clinking of Hobz biz-Zejt tins, and, of course, the occasional, uncannily non-lethal traffic incidents.