Malta’s Most Unprecedented Trial: The Time Travelling Accusation!

An Improbable Start in the Court of Public Opinion

It was a morning in Valletta unlike any other, with the sun shining, the seagulls screeching, and the smell of freshly baked ħobż biż-żejt wafting through the air. But just down the road from the iconic Triton Fountain, a most unusual case was unfolding at the courthouse. No, it wasn’t about nicking pastizzi or a brawl over the last bottle of Kinnie; it was about Chris Fearne, Edward Scicluna, and 13 other unwitting participants, allegedly accused of time traveling to commit their crimes!

Peeking through the courtroom doors, onlookers whispered about the accused’s sudden appearance in historical paintings hanging in the majestic Mdina Cathedral. Indeed, it seemed that Mr. Fearne had been immortalized wearing a stethoscope draped over a suit of armor, and Mr. Scicluna was spotted beside him counting golden Florins. “Uwejja, how on Earth did they end up there?” someone gasped from the back.

Courtroom Conundrum: A History-Mystery Fiasco

In a courtroom filled with an eclectic mix of perplexed historians, time travel skeptics, and a few individuals dressed suspiciously like knights of St. John, the case against Fearne, Scicluna, and their admittedly confused cohorts unfolded. The judge, a stern woman known for her love of Maltese folklore, raised an eyebrow as the prosecution presented ‘evidence’ of the accused’s historical escapades throughout the ages.

“Your Honor, we present to the court Exhibit A – a 16th-century tapestry with what appears to be the Health Minister using an iPhone,” declared the prosecutor, smirking at his own absurdity.

Defining Moments & Witness Woes

As the defendants rubbed their eyes, questioning their very sense of reality, a hushed muttering went through the curious crowd, which included a group of tourists from Gozo. They’d only come to see the Law Courts as part of their guided cultural trip but had instead stumbled upon this apparent travesty of justice.

One brave witness, a self-proclaimed time-travel expert, took the stand, “Listen kollox, I’ve studied this for years, and I can confirm that the Maltese have a secret… Our legendary crusty ħobż contains…,” he paused dramatically, “…yeast from another dimension!”

A Twist of Fates and Fortunes

Just as the tension became as thick as pea soup from a Birkirkara eatery, the trial took a turn for the even weirder. “Your Honor,” one of the defendants stood up, “I would like to plead…actually, I’d like to show you this,” and with a flourish, they presented a painting of the judge herself adorning the courtroom walls centuries ago! Was this a conspiracy smeared with Ancient Maltese olive oil, or had they all simply gone round the bend?

“Ai, Mela! Wake up everybody!” shouted the bailiff, as it was revealed the judge’s gavel was actually a hypnotic device from the future. “This isn’t a trial; it’s a mass hallucination!”

The Verdict: Not Guilty by Way of Temporal Insanity

In stark disbelief, the crowd watched as the defendants were cleared of all charges, not because of lack of evidence (which was ample in a non-existent sort of way), but on the grounds of ‘Temporal Insanity.’ Free to go, the now exonerated group invited everyone for a round of celebratory ftira sandwiches.

And like any good Maltese tale, the story concluded with a sense of camaraderie. As they all exited the courthouse, one of the accused turned to the crowd saying, “Next time you find yourselves accused of time travel, just remember… it could all be a dream—or maybe, just maybe, it’s the magic in the pastizz.” And with a collective chuckle, they disappeared into the narrow streets of Valletta, leaving behind a tale that would be shared over many a village festas to come.

Note to readers: No actual time travel was conducted during the proceedings of this case…or so we’ve been led to believe. Any resemblance to real events is purely coincidental, or possibly a hiccup in the space-time continuum. Mela, stay tuned for more cheeky news from ‘Times of Mela’!