The Expatriate’s Guide to Blending in Perfectly: A Maltese Mock-How-To

Step One: Mastering the Maltese Greeting

Imagine you’re a foreigner named Klaus, who’s just landed in sunny Malta, eager to embrace the island life. But as the plane touches down in Luqa, Klaus realizes he knows nothing about the local ways. “Mela, how hard can it be?” he thinks, strutting out the airport with his wide-brimmed hat and camera in hand, ready to take on the Maltese world.

First things first, Klaus needs to blend in with the locals of Valletta, and that means mastering the quintessential Maltese greeting: “Mela, kif inti?” which roughly translates to “So, how are you?” But Klaus mixes it up, and goes around saying “Mela, kief inti?” which gets him nothing but confused looks and head shakes. “Uwejja, you need to learn fast, Klaus!” says a helpful street vendor, who can’t help but chuckle while serving him a pastizz.

Step Two: The Great Maltese Gastronomy Gauntlet

Next on Klaus’s ‘to-do’ list is to tickle his taste buds with some local cuisine. “When in Gozo, do as the Gozitans do!” he exclaims, mangling the local dialect. He beelines to a charming little eatery and orders ħobż biż-żejt, rabbit stew, and, to everyone’s shock, demands extra garlic. “Kollox bil-tewm,” he insists with pride. The waiter, a wily chap named Tony, raises an eyebrow. “Love your enthusiasm, but it’s going to be ‘extra everything’ including stares if you go heavy on the garlic in Mdina later tonight,” he advises our garlic-loving Klaus.

“Klaus, you’re vying for the title of ‘Most Garlic Breath in Malta’. We usually save the extra garlic for nosy neighbors and people we’d rather not speak to,” Tony winks.

Klaus, unphased by the culinary faux pas, relishes his aromatic feast, unaware that he’s become the talk of the town. In a small island community where word travels faster than a scooter in a festa parade, he’s now known as “Klaus t-tewm,” or ‘Garlic Klaus.’

Step Three: The Eccentric Expat Encounter

Further into his endeavor, Klaus meets Doris, an expat who has successfully assimilated into Maltese society. Doris has adopted a small army of stray cats, tweaked her British accent to a Maltese-English hybrid, and even switched her tea for Kinnie. She takes Klaus under her wing, or rather, her beach umbrella, and they hit the sandy bays of Mellieħa.

Here, she teaches Klaus the tricky art of balancing on the traditional Maltese luzzu without tipping over. “Just rock with the waves, Klaus, like you’re dancing to Eurovision music,” she says. This tip, however, comes a bit too late as Klaus, dizzy from his garlicky lunch, plummets into the crystal-clear waters, causing quite the splash among the sun-soaked locals.

The Unforseen Twist: Klaus Comes to the Rescue

As fate would have it, Klaus wasn’t just any clumsy tourist. Back in Germany, he’d been an aspiring innkeeper, with a peculiar talent for mixology. One sweltering afternoon, in an iconic turn of events, he introduces “The Garlic Margarita” at a trendy Sliema bar. Malta had never tasted anything so daring, so audacious, and so, well, garlicky. But it was a bonafide hit!

“Who would have thought, Klaus, that a foreigner like you could turn something as simple as garlic into the latest island craze?” a local food critic chuckles.

As the summer sun sets on the Maltese archipelago, Klaus, once a bumbling outsider, finds himself embraced by the islanders, famous for his bizarre yet tasty concoction, and with an embarrassing yet endearing nickname. “It’s all part of blending in,” Klaus muses, “or should I say, seasoning the experience?”

The Moral of the Story

In a place where everyone knows your name (or at least your preferred seasoning), Malta had taught Klaus—and every expat with him—that blending in isn’t about being perfect; it’s about adding your own flavor to the local mix, as pungent as it may be.

And so, dear expatriates dreaming of island life — when you find yourself in a Maltese pickle, just remember, it could lead to your very own signature cocktail. Mela, you never know!