When Malta Went Metric and the Mdina Cats Protested

The Kilo-Comotion in Sliema

It was a peculiar Tuesday morning in Sliema when the Maltese government decided to make a monumental shift — Malta would now use kilos for all matters of weight, including the iconic rabbit stew. The news, delivered by the Prime Minister himself during a brief visit to a beachside pastizzeria, caused a stir meatier than the filling of a pastizz. No sooner had he declared the metric mandate, the whole island erupted in comedic chaos, with measurements going haywire and scales tipping into the realm of the ridiculous

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Tony the Turner and His Topsy-Turvy Timpana

Tony “Il-Turner” Zammit, famed for his fusion of timpana with a twist of Thai, was in the throes of culinary catastrophe. As he struggled to convert his grandmother’s sacred recipe from qastan to kilos, a rumor spread like wildfire across Valletta. The rumor was that Tony’s timpana now tasted like a fusion between a sponge cake and a spring roll — a fusion most foul in the Maltese culinary cosmos.

“Eh, this metric system is like trying to dance żfin while your feet are stuck in a bucket of ħobż biż-żejt,” Tony grumbled while tossing an ambiguous amount of noodles into his now not-so-traditional dish.

The Mdina Cats’ Meow-vement

Meanwhile, up the hilly paths of Mdina, the silent city’s heralded cats were staging a protest of their own. The leader, a saucy Siamese named Sir Whiskers, perched atop the ancient bastions, proclaimed that their daily dosage of treats had diminished due to the recent “kilo kerfuffle.”

“Mjauw! Our treats have been downsized, just as our ancestors feared during the siege of ’68—the Siege of our dinner plates!” declared Sir. Whiskers, his tail swishing with discontent.

Cheryl the Chartreuse and the Purr-sistence of Tradition

Amidst the feline outcry, Cheryl, the Chartreuse of Mdina, devised a cunning plan. Slipping into a cozy café, she swapped the new kilo-scale for the trustworthy old one that still measured in the good old-fashioned system. Her furtive feline feat went unnoticed, leaving patrons puzzled as their portions of ħobż biż-żejt suddenly seemed supernaturally sizable.

The Gozo Gaffe

As Sliema simmered in metric mania and Mdina mewed in mass confusion, our sister isle Gozo greeted the news with a collective shrug. The Gozitans, renowned for their laid-back demeanor, decided to stick with whatever they felt like — metric, imperial, or good old “hekk, hekk” (this, that).

Anita l-Also and her Curious Case of the Expanding Doors

Enter the Gozitan artisan, Anita “l-Also” Borg, who had long awaited a good laugh. She began fashioning doors widened exactly by one kilo — a whimsical statement that amused tourists and locals alike, with her doors becoming an island sensation overnight.

“Listen, Kollox, we’re just gonna keep things as they always were. Whether I measure my ġbejniet in grams, kilos, or the size of my palms, they’ll still taste just as salty,” Anita declared with a chuckopolous wink.

A Metric Conclusion

The kilo chaos eventually simmered down after a frenzied debate in the Maltese parliament, where MPs argued over the weight of their words. A compromise was struck, whereby each town could decide its preferred unit of measurement — leading to a haphazard harmony across the archipelago.

In the end, the metric uprising was merely a blip in Malta’s long and storied history. The Maltesers came together to celebrate their diversity in measurement, and of course to poke fun at themselves over a shared platter of pastizzi — no matter what they weighed.

Uwejja, whether it’s a kilo or a qastan, in Malta, we’ll always find a reason to laugh, argue, and eat well together. And that’s a tradition that will never tip the scales.