The Mysterious Case of Consultant Conundrums

A Spoonful of Satire in Policy Advisory

Uwejja! In the wake of the scandalous Clayton Bartolo revelations, the Maltese government has taken drastic measures to revamp the appointment process of policy consultants. Sources report that the new selection system includes a variety of offbeat challenges, reminiscent of a reality TV show, where aspiring consultants must prove their mettle in the most unexpected ways.

The Curious Concoction of Challenges

In an unprecedented twist, applicants must now participate in a scavenger hunt across Valletta’s historical sites, seeking clues hidden near the Triton Fountain and within the depths of St. John’s Co-Cathedral.

Furthermore, a culinary contest called “Kollox in the Pot” requires hopefuls to prepare a traditional rabbit stew, with a twist – a secret ingredient must be foraged from the mythical gardens of Mdina. Legend has it, the ingredient endows the dish with an extraordinary flavor that can win over even the most skeptic Maltese nonna.

One of the candidates, an eccentric gentleman named Spiro, faced a peculiar hurdle. As he strolled through Mdina’s alleys, gathering wild thyme and aromatic herbs for his stew, he stumbled upon a talking ħobż biż-żejt sandwich claiming to be the reincarnation of the Knights of St. John. Moments later, he realized it was simply a prank by local teens armed with a walkie-talkie and too much time on their hands.

Meet the Candidates

Let’s not forget the formidable Darlene, with her hair as fiery as the Maltese sun and a personality as spicy as a Timpana. Darlene’s run-in with an army of aggressive Gozitan pigeons during the scavenger hunt became the stuff of legends when she managed to negotiate a truce using only her wits and a packet of leftover pastizzi.

But the true underdog story belongs to Frans, whose social media campaign #FransCan has gone viral. Little do the masses know that Frans’ online persona is managed by his twelve-year-old nephew, who has the digital savviness of a Silicon Valley tycoon.

The Social Media Shakedown

“Jien m’għandix clue what I’m doing, but evidently, #FransCan is the people’s choice. Who knew that a photo of me face-planting near the Blue Grotto would win the hearts of voters?” – Frans

The Result: A Consultant Carnival!

In the spirit of Maltese politics, the final results were a spectacle that no one anticipated. After tallying the points from various challenges, the committee discovered that due to an arithmetic error by a Parish Priest doubling as a judge, all candidates scored exactly the same.

In a climactic twist, to avoid accusations of nepotism and undue influence, the government decided to appoint all candidates as joint consultants, forming a new supercommittee with a rotating chairperson system. Their first order of business? Organizing Malta’s first-ever “Policy-Ġilizz” (Maltese for “Feast”), where every policy discussion will be accompanied by live folk music and an endless supply of ħobż biż-żejt.

As for the disgraced Bartolo? Rumor has it, he’s writing a tell-all book on his experience, titled “From Minister to Meme: A Maltese Tale,” set to hit the shelves of Agenda Bookshop by next summer.

The mood in Malta is a mixture of celebration and befuddlement, with whispers in the streets of Sliema pondering whether this new committee will achieve an epic success or become a hot mess of opinions, like too many olives in your Hobz Biz-Zejt.

Conclusion and A Shocking Development!

Whatever the outcome, one thing remains clear: the Maltese never fail to find humor in adversity. Their knack for jest and joviality persists, proving once again that in Malta, life is a festa, and politics is the Pirotechnics that light up the sky – sometimes spectacular, sometimes a bit of a dud.

And, if one thinks the story ends here, the recent announcement of the Supercommittee’s first order of business has taken the island by storm – a nationwide search for a missing dog named ‘Pawlitiku,’ known for his ability to sniff out policy flaws in draft legislations.

‘Times of Mela’ will keep you updated on these ‘pawsitively’ crucial developments! Remember folks, in Malta, the more things change, the more they stay hilariously the same. Kollox sew, as they say!