The Great Maltese Time-Traveling Ħobża

Il-Bidu: A Crumbly Start

Imagine, if you will, a sunny day in Sliema, where the sea glistens like a thousand disco balls and the tourists are as plentiful as the pebbles on the beach. Here we meet our protagonist, Dunstan, a local baker with the mustache of a 1970s movie star and the belly of a man who enjoys his own pastizzi a bit too much. Dunstan’s bakery is famed across the island for its ħobż biż-żejt so delicious, it could make angels weep with joy.

The Mysterious Loaf

But our story begins with an odd occurrence. One morning, as Dunstan flips through an old Maltese cookbook he bought at a flea market in Valletta, he stumbles upon a handwritten note tucked between the pages. The note speaks of a secret recipe that could make a loaf of bread so powerful it can transport anyone who eats it through time. “Uwejja, this can’t be real,” he scoffs, but curiosity (and perhaps the promise of more tourists) gets the better of him.

Dunstan’s Experiment

Dunstan sets to work, kneading dough with the mysterious ingredients listed: a pinch of Gozo sea salt, a dash of *ġbejna* whimsy, and a sprinkle of Mdina stardust. As he bakes the loaf, his bakery fills with a scent that’s a mix of nostalgia and the future. Without a second thought, he takes a bite.

A customer walks in, “Mela, Dunstan, that smell is taking me back to my nanna’s kitchen!”

The Loaf’s Legacy

In a flicker, Dunstan is no longer in 2023. He’s standing in the middle of the 1565 Great Siege, holding his magical loaf, as knights rush past him in a blur of armor and swords. He gasps, drops the loaf, and before he could utter “Kollox sew,” he’s whisked away to another scene. Each bite transports him to another landmark event in Maltese history.

Temporal Tourism Troubles

But the loaf, having tumbled from Dunstan’s hands, causes temporal turbulence. Tourists eating crumbs left behind start appearing in the most unexpected times and places – someone ends up at a Phoenician market asking for Wi-Fi, while another is trying to pay for a knights’ tavern tab with contactless payment.

Rising to the Occasion

As hilarious chaos ensues, Dunstan realizes it’s his responsibility to fix the timeline. With a baker’s precision, he starts preparing a new loaf – the antidote. This one must include modern-day ingredients: a blob of traffic-jam patience, a dollop of festa fireworks’ sparkle, and a drop of Paceville party sweat.

The Yeasty Resolution

One heroic bake-off later, Dunstan manages to create the counteracting ħobż biż-żejt. Eating it himself first, he travels to each errant tourist, giving them a bite and sending them back to their original time.

Epilogue: Dunstan’s Newfound Wisdom

Back in his bakery, now free of time-travelling tourists, Dunstan decides some recipes are best left as legends. But word about the temporally traversing bread had spread. Yet, always the entrepreneur, Dunstan finds a new gimmick: he advertises his bakery as the place where “every bite takes you through Maltese history.” Naturally, no one believes it’s literal, but let’s just say that his historical reenactment lunches are fully booked till 2024.

Interview with a reclaimed tourist, “I thought I’d never get back from the 1700s! And now, I can’t get enough of this bread – it’s like every bite comes with a story!”

And so, as the sun sets on our little island, life returns to normal, or as normal as it can get in Malta. Dunstan smirks, slicing through another loaf, only half-wondering where he would’ve ended up with the next bite. Instead, he serves it to the eager history buffs in his shop, watching them enjoy the flavors – and the tales – of time.

“Mela, who knew time-travel could be so delicious?” chuckles a satisfied customer. “I just hope I don’t end up in the past with my car double-parked outside.”