The Unlikely Expatriot-Knights of the Modern Age

Welcome, dear readers, to the most uncanny tale a Maltese sun has ever shone upon! Picture this: the year is 2023, and the island is abuzz with expats dabbling in all sorts of trades. But three forenjers, as fresh to the island as a batch of just-baked hobz biz-zejt, have set their sights on becoming the modern-day Knights of Malta – with a twist that had even the cheekiest of pastizzis spinning in their pastry cases!

Enter the Trio

Meet Sven from Sweden, who came to Malta mistaking ‘Knights’ for ‘nights’ and thought he’d signed up for an endless pub crawl in Paceville. Next, we have Olga from Omsk, who’d heard tales of the Knights’ fabled treasures and fancied herself a bit of a pirate, hoping to unearth the loot with her metal detector on the sandy shores of Ramla Bay. Lastly, there’s Chuck from Chattanooga, whose entire knowledge of Maltese chivalry came from a fortune cookie that read, “To find your destiny, follow the Maltese cross.”

The Induction

On a sunny Sliema morning, our trio convened, each dressed in what they deemed appropriate for a knightly endeavor. Sven donned a suit of armor fashioned from pot-lids, Olga sported a scuba suit for deep-sea treasure hunts, and Chuck simply wore a t-shirt emblazoned with a glaring red cross. Their first makeshift ’round table’ was a plastic one outside a local cafe where they’d all mistakenly ordered rabbit stew, expecting it to endow them with knightly vigor.

“We are here to bring back the chivalrous spirit!” pronounced Chuck, spilling rabbit stew onto his cross.

Sven, mistaking a fork for a medieval weapon, nodded sagely, while Olga checked her metal detector’s batteries.

The Twist

Their first task was to find mounts befitting their noble quest. Having misunderstood ‘Karozzin’ to refer to prized medieval steeds, they found themselves renting three pedal cars from a bemused Gozitan tour operator.

Adventures ensued as they pedaled their contraptions, with the bravado of knights of yore, toward Mdina, the old capital. Sven’s pot-lid armor clanged melodiously, Olga waved at confused tourists with her fins, and Chuck led a chant: “To destiny and beyond!”

Upon reaching Mdina’s ancient walls, an unexpected turn awaited them. The city’s ‘Silent City’ moniker failed to prepare our trio for the even quieter reception of a town’s festa in full swing. Confetti rained down on them as they were mistaken for an avant-garde float. The town band struck up a tune, which Chuck, Sven, and Olga took as a flourishing welcome, waving regally to the bemused crowd.

A Knight’s Social Media Joust

With the festa’s excitement behind them, the trio decided to modernize their knighthood crusade by engaging in a social media joust. The ancient order of knights might have had their tournaments, but these three would have their hashtag wars.

“Questing ain’t what it used to be!” Olga posted, alongside a selfie with a stray cat that had a miraculously similar metal detector.

“#ModernKnightLife,” Chuck chimed in with a picture of his maligned t-shirt, now sporting a rabbit stew stain.

Sven shared an Insta story featuring his pot-lid armor shimmering in the Maltese sunshine. “Who needs a sword when you’ve got a sun reflector?” he joked.

Unsurprisingly, their social media accounts saw a surge of followers, as the island chuckled at their harmless antics.

The Voluntary Order of the Valiant Vloggers

But the tale takes yet another twist! Inspired by the hilarity of it all, the trio’s actions morphed their knightly pursuits into a charitable cause. They self-styled themselves as the Voluntary Order of the Valiant Vloggers, filming comedic ‘quests’ to support local charities. Their misadventures became viral sensations, including a mock tournament where pot-lids proved surprisingly effective at deflecting water balloons launched by giggling children.

Finale at Fort St. Angelo

Finally, we find our trio basking in the glory of minor social media fame, the magnificent Fort St. Angelo at Birgu serving as the backdrop for their latest vlog. This time, it was no treasure hunt or pub crawl – it was a banquet of pastizzi for all, a feast befitting the courageous spirits who embraced the Maltese sense of humor.

Sven declared, “Uwejja, here’s to our knightly journey – may it continue as long as there are pastizzi!”

Olga agreed, “Kollox is possible when you’ve got good company, good food, and a sense of humor!”

And with that, our story comes to a hearty end, with the unexpected knights finding their place not in the annals of history, but in the hearts of those appreciative of a good laugh, and the warmth of Maltese hospitality.

Mela, times of mela, dear readers – till our next rib-tickling adventure!