When The Ħobż Biż-Żejt Hits the Fan: Malta’s Political Pastrology Crisis

Sliema Stardom: A Celestial Catastrophe

It was a typical sunny day in Sliema, the kind that invites a leisurely stroll along the promenade with a ħobż biż-żejt in hand, when the peaceful routine was disrupted by a startling announcement: The Republic of Malta was officially “sick,” not from too many pastizzis, but from a political pandemic, as diagnosed by the maverick astrologers of ADPD, Malta’s alternative party of planetary pundits.

Qormi’s Quirky Quest for Clarity

Our tale centralizes around one Duminku, a local breadmaker from Qormi famed for his crunchy crusts and mystical methods of mixing dough under the full moon’s glow. Duminku, a self-taught astrophysicist with a mere passing grade in O-level science, had made a revolutionary discovery: politicians’ decisions could be accurately predicted by the alignment of stars. They dubbed it Pastrology—a marriage of pastizzi intake and astrophysics that nobody asked for.

“Uwejja, hakki!” (Wow, believe me!), Duminku would exclaim, as a stray meteorite narrowly missed his oven while he discerned the political forecast based on celestial carb consumption.

Valletta’s Vexing Vision: The Ailing Republic

The plot thickens as Duminku, while kneading the star-kissed dough, receives a vision that the Republic is unwell. The clouds of contentious policies hung heavier than a winter’s day in Gozo, and ADPD claimed that the government had allowed the nation’s wounds to “fester” like uncovered gbejna left to the mercy of midsummer’s heat.

When questioned about these portentous findings, Duminku responded with a nervous chuckle and the apt phrase, “Mela, you never know!” Although his predictive prowess was unquestionable in the realm of Maltese bread-baking, the idea that astral edibles could forecast the fate of a nation was as alien as a fish’s craving for fenek (rabbit stew).

The Mdina Morass: The Opposition’s Cosmic Counter

Contrary to Duminku’s predictions, an opposition leader from Mdina—let’s call him Bonġu to safeguard his identity—insisted that Malta’s cosmic alignment was actually under the influence of a rare planetary phenomenon known as the Festa Nebula. This, he argued, would bring about an era of merriment and unexplained chronic voting enthusiasm.

“Trust us,” Bonġu smirked, nibbling on a particularly flaky pastizz. “We’ve had our best pseudoscientists working with these renowned bakers-turned-astronomers. Kollox se jkun sew!” (Everything will be okay!)

Interactive Maltese Pastrology Poll

Caught in the whirlwind of this cosmic conundrum, ‘Times of Mela’ takes it to the streets and holds an interactive poll, asking everyday Maltese citizens whether they believe the stars can shine a light on the Republic’s political pathogens:

• Does your Ġbejnet bear the mark of a troubled government?
• Can devouring a full moon pastizz predict the next election result?
• Should Malta invest in telescopes rather than ballot boxes?

The Stars of Sliema Speak

Much to everyone’s surprise, the poll results show that a majority of the islanders fervently believe in Pastrology! Social media was inundated with pictures of star-shaped pies and cosmic cupcakes, as the Maltese people united under the delicious delirium of their newfound faith.

A Cosmic Conclusion

In a twist of fate, it emerged that Bonġu, the skeptic, was aligned too closely to the Festa Nebula himself, leading to bouts of irresistibly high spirits and an inexplicable urge to launch fireworks every morning at 6 am. Duminku’s predictions, while dismissed, had indeed stirred a political pastry uprising that even the stars couldn’t have foretold. Malta, it turned out, was not ailing but simply experiencing cosmic indigestion.

“Leave it to the Maltese to bring the galaxy down to Earth with a healthy dose of humor,” the mysterious Bonġu admitted, finally conceding to the infectious laughter of the nation. “Maybe we don’t need astral intervention – just a good ol’ laugh and a hearty bite of ħobż biż-żejt.”

No actual stars, politicians, or puff pastries were harmed in the weaving of this otherworldly parody. Remember, in Malta, when political prophecy fails to deliver, you can always count on a tasty twist to provide the constellations of comfort!