The Great Maltese Ħobż-Off: A Tale of Culinary Chaos and Comedy

Wacky Weekend in Valletta

Once upon a sunny weekend in Valletta, the fanciest city you ever did see with streets so polished you could do your hair looking at the floor, a culinary catastrophe was a-stirrin’. Rumour had it that a legendary ħobż biż-żejt competition was takin’ place— a fight to the finish with tomato paste and tuna.

The townsfolk were buzzing like bees around a pastizz, with everyone from the silent city of Mdina to the tranquil island of Gozo hyping up for the grand event. In comes Carmenu, a stout man with a mustache so thick that crumbs of pastizzis past still clung to it for dear life.

Characters Cookin’ Up Some Trouble

Then there was Żeża, the lady from Mdina whose thick-rimmed spectacles had seen more kitchens than a potato. And let’s not forget the youngest contender, Ċikku, the cheeky lad who could julienne onions faster than one could say “Min qed ibati l-ghatx?”

The Challenge of a Lifetime

The three of them stood, aprons donned and wooden spoons at the ready, while a crowd of hungry Maltesers… err, Maltese, the people not the dogs, gathered around the Pjazza just left of the Auberge de Castille.

The challenge was simple: to create the most mouthwatering ħobż biż-żejt that would make a Maltese nanna nod in approval. The prize, oh the prize—you’ll never guess—a lifetime supply of ħelu tal-Milied, and the honor of being crowned the King or Queen of ħobż biż-żejt as long as the sun rises on the bastions of Valletta.

Recipe for Disaster

As the competition kicked off, so did the slapstick shenanigans. You see, Żeża, bless her soul, she had forgotten her glasses at home. Uwejja! She mistook paprika for cinnamon and nearly set her batch ablaze. Meanwhile, Ċikku, oh poor Ċikku, he got into a tussle with a seagull over a fillet of tuna—turns out the gulls in Valletta are fierce food critics.

Carmenu’s Secret Ingredient

But the most stunning twist came from good ol’ Carmenu who, in a moment of either pure genius or madness (the jury’s still out), added a secret dollop of gbejna to his concoction.

“Mela, have you ever seen such a thing? Ħobż biż-żejt with gbejna? ‘Ejja, you’ve got to be jokin’!”

Twist of Fate

The judges, bellies out and pencils sharp, took on the task of tasting. They sliced, they spread, they munched, and then—one judge choked! Not on the food, oh no—an actual seagull had swooped in and snatched his wig clean off, revealing a shiny bald head that competed with the sheen of the city streets.

And the Winner Is…

The incident caused such a commotion, that the whole city broke into hysterics. It looked like all bets were off until the dust settled. But lo and behold, it was Carmenu—yes, he with the international incident of a moustache—who won the day.

“I dunno what to say, this victory tastes better than a cold Kinnie on a hot August day. Thanks to everyone and my secret, a little love, and a sprinkle of Maltese madness.”

Aftermath Antics

As the crowd dispersed, stories of the epic ħobż-off spread across the Maltese archipelago faster than gossip in a salott. Everyone had a good laugh, a great nibble, and agreed that while the competition may have been more chaotic than the bus schedule, it was what brought them all together, bound by a love for food that’s as zesty as a Maltese festa.

So if you ever find yourself wandering the lanes of Valletta, keep an eye out for flying wigs, cheeky seagulls, and maybe—just maybe—a bite of that award-winning ħobż biż-żejt. Uwejja! Mela, kollox possibli, you just have to be ready for a little bit of mischief and a lot of laughter.