The Mysterious Disappearance of Zeppi’s Mustache

Valletta Vagaries and the Vanishing Act

It was a day like any other in the bustling streets of Valletta. Commuters were elbow-to-elbow in their mad dash through the narrow streets, pastizzi were disappearing into mouths at an alarming rate, and tourists were flogging to the Upper Barrakka Gardens for the obligatory photo of the Grand Harbour. But amidst the picturesque chaos, a crime most foul had shaken the local community to its core – Zeppi l-Kelb’s mustache had vanished without a trace.

Zeppi l-Kelb, famed throughout the three cities for his bushy, salt-and-pepper masterpiece that perched above his lip, had woken up to a stark naked upper lip. Distraught and bristly-challenged, he turned the island upside down looking for his prized possession. His mustache wasn’t just facial hair; it was a Maltese icon, admired at festas and feared in back-alley boċċi games.

The Ħobż biż-Żejt Alibi

“It was there last night when I was munching on ħobż biż-żejt with tat-Tonna’s famous tinned tuna spread!” Zeppi recounted to an officer at the Valletta Police Station. “This mornin’, poof – gone like a ghost in Mdina.”

Investigators embarked on a forensic feast, dusting the crumbs left behind for DNA, fiber, and any clue that might lead them to the facial hair fiend. Meanwhile, the city buzzed with conspiracy theories – had it been stolen by a jealous rival in the boċċi league? Could it have magically metamorphosed into a batch of tal-Qormi’s top-notch loaves? Or worse, had it been smuggled to Gozo, masquerading as a miniature ġbejna?

Sliema Social Media Frenzy

In Sliema, keyboard warriors took to their screens, the online sleuths posting irreverent theories on “The Great Mustache Caper” Facebook group which gained thousands of members overnight. Clearly, it was the crime of the century in the eyes of the Maltese public.

“Mela! Did you see how Rabat’s winds were last night? That mustache probably flew off to Sicily!” one social media sleuth suggested, while another posted a lost-and-found ad on a popular local buy-and-sell site, offering a reward of five crates of Cisk for its safe return.

The Twist in the Tale

Just as the island was whipped into a hairy frenzy, CCTV footage emerged, showing a blurry figure entering Zeppi’s home. The plot, like a kettle of rabbit stew, thickened. Speculation swirled that this was the act of an archnemesis harboring a deep-seated grudge over a controversial boċċi game from 1999.

But the real twist was yet to come. As Zeppi reviewed the footage, he squinted, dropped his pastizz and gasped. “Uwejja! That’s not a thief! It’s… it’s my sleepwalking self!” In a sleep-induced haze, he’d taken to his mustache with his wife’s sewing scissors. Mysteriously enough, and unbeknownst to his unconscious mind, he had thought his mustache to be his rival’s latest length of fishing line – an object of much envy in his fisherman’s circle.

Restoration and Reconciliation

With the mustachioed mystery solved, Zeppi sought the expertise of Malta’s leading mustache groomer, Frans il-Fuħħār of Mosta, famous for fashioning facial hair into baroque artworks. Promising to cultivate a new, grander mustache, Frans set to work with oils and combs and whispered encouragements.

The island sighed with relief. Order was restored to Malta, the mustache forgave its master and decided to grow back, and Zeppi took to wearing a chin strap at night – just in case. Life resumed its usual pace, one pastizz and ħobż biż-żejt at a time.

The ‘Times of Mela’ caught up with Zeppi for an exclusive post-recovery interview:

“This has been an emotional rollercoaster, mela. But I’ve learned that it’s not the size of your mustache that defines you; it’s the content of your character. Plus, now I have a reason to get a puppy, to keep an eye on me when I sleep. I shall name him Mustachju in honor of the mustache that once was.”

As the Maltese sunset dipped into the Mediterranean, stories were exchanged, laughs were shared, and the legend of Zeppi’s mustache became a tale for the ages. Truly, a hairy tale with a twist.