Toilet Paper Tycoon: The Flush of Fortune in the Maltese Market

The Surprising Rise of a Local Business Mogul

In the heart of Sliema, a bustling commercial hub, lives Zammit, a man whose entrepreneurial spirit has swept the nation. Zammit, a rotund fellow with a mustache as thick as the ħobż in a ħobż biż-żejt sandwich, found the most unexpected route to riches—luxurious, three-ply toilet paper.

It all started when Zammit, a former accordion player turned bathroom magnate, shouted an idea during his family’s Sunday fenkata, loud enough to scare the pet rabbit. “Ejja! What if we had toilet paper that felt like a warm pastizz on your bum?” he exclaimed. His vision: to infuse each square with the scent of Maltese lemons and the softness of a Gozitan breeze.

Investing in the Bottom Line

Zammit’s idea took off faster than a tourist chasing the last bus to Mdina. Within months, everyone from Mellieħa to Marsaxlokk was lining up to buy his product, dubbed ‘Toilette Paper tal-Lemoncello.’ It was a hit, and Zammit’s finances were on the roll, quite literally. The Maltese tycoon soon found that his scented TP was the talk of every town.

Brand Expansion and Eccentric Marketing

The business boomed, but Zammit wasn’t one to sit on his laurels—or his soft squares. He leveraged his newfound wealth, a mix of graft and charisma, to expand his business. He sponsored local festas, with banners featuring his face fluttering beside the fireworks. He created a mascot, ‘Peppy the Paper Roll,’ a dancing sensation who made waves at the Valletta Waterfront.

“Ehhh uwejja, it’s time to let the good times roll!” Peppy would exclaim, throwing rolls into the ecstatic crowds—all without unraveling Maltese dignity, of course!

A Plot Twist in the Pipeline

Zammit’s success was the envy of many. Like every good news countered by a pinch of salt, got hitched when a rival came onto the scene. A foreign investor, armed with a ludicrous idea of creating edible toilet paper. “Tastes like figolli!” he claimed.

But the Maltese were not fooled; they respected traditional sit-down experiences too much to mix them with their beloved Easter sweets. Kollox comes with boundaries after all, and edible toilet paper was overstepping the mark.

An Unexpected Alliance

The edible toilet paper was a flop, and its investor was desperate to recoup losses. In a twist of fate, he approached Zammit with an offer—collaborate or face incessant toilet paper wars. With a smirk and a sip of his Kinnie, Zammit struck a deal to buy the edible paper at a discount, rebrand it as “kitchen rolls,” and sold it at a markup as an exotic paper towel for blotting oilyġbejniet.

Interactive Interview with Zammit

To give our readers an inside scoop, we sat down with Zammit for an exclusive chat:

Times of Mela: “Zammit, how have you managed to navigate such an unpredictable market?”
Zammit: “Ah, mela, it’s all about understanding what the Maltese people want. Comfort and a good deal. That, and you have to keep things fresh, like a batch of qassatat straight from the oven!”
Times of Mela: “What’s next for your toilet paper empire?”
Zammit: “We’re exploring a new line with hints of ħelwa tat-Tork and sea salt from Marsalforn. For now, let’s roll with it—literally!”


As Zammit’s empire continues to expand like a festa firework finale, Malta eagerly watches and waits. What began as a humorous pipe dream, inspired by the comfort of a pastizz, has become a staple for every Maltese household. Who knew the path to success would be paved with scented toilet paper? It seems that when life gives you lemons, or in Zammit’s case, toilet paper, you make Lemoncello-scented rolls.

This wraps up a peppering of humor and a pinch of satire all rolled into one. Kollox said and done, in the end, the business of business is to make life a tad softer and scent-sationally Maltese.